The Sirens' Song
by nitilia
Summary: Set in R2. Lelouch drags Suzaku, who hates him, out on a mission to protect Nunnally, and they cross the Sirens on the way. Lelouch wants to listen to them.


**I wrote this a year ago, and have been rewriting it for a year, but I never managed to finish rewriting. So I thought I'd just put up an edited version of the first one. I hope you like it.**

* * *

After three days of rowing a tiny boat across the Pacific Ocean, Suzaku came to terms with the fact that there were many things wrong with him. It took him that long because until the fourth day, he'd been too busy trying to get their boat out of the storms in one piece to consider such trivial matters. After three days, however, the sky cleared, and Suzaku was left drenched, numb, and freezing to ponder his own sanity.

Had he been sane, he realized, he would not be rowing across the Pacific Ocean with Euphemia's murderer, simply because said person had insisted that whatever they were going to do would save Nunnally's life.

Lelouch was sitting in the seat facing him, a map spread out on his lap and a compass in his hand. Three days of heavy rain and lack of sleep had taken its toll on him. He held a thin jacket around him with his free hand, but it wasn't enough to stop his trembling. His skin was pale, his eyes were bloodshot, and his hair was a total mess, but he still seemed calm and in control as he stared down at the map.

Suzaku assumed he looked that bad himself.

Three days ago, when Suzaku had been preparing for a battle against the Black Knights, Lelouch had given him a desperate call. He'd seemed to have been having a panic attack of sorts, and his words were all a jumbled mess. All Suzaku had been able to make out was that Nunnally was in danger and Lelouch needed his help.

Of course, he didn't believe him at first. If there was one thing he'd learn about Lelouch over the years, it was that he was a brilliant liar. So, he'd asked to meet him at the Kururugi Shrine, alone. And Lelouch had met him, alone. Suzaku could have captured him right there, or killed him, or exposed Zero's true identity, but he couldn't, for the simple reason that if Nunnally really was in danger, he had to protect her. She was like a sister to him. If Lelouch had dared to approach him - the person who'd sold him to the Emperor - with no back up plan, then Nunnally was definitely in trouble.

And now here they were, sailing across the Pacific Ocean in search of Charles zi Brittania and his experiments. Whatever they were.

Suzaku watched Lelouch study the maps for a while longer, before turning towards the sky. Already the clouds were darkening, and Suzaku sighed in resignation. "Here comes the storm," he said aloud, more to himself than to Lelouch.

The other boy looked up as well, and frowned. "I don't think the boat can take it."

"I don't think _you_ can," Suzaku said nastily, and wanted to add, _'and I hope you don't,'_ but he held himself back. For Nunnally, he reminded himself. He'd get his revenge after they'd saved her...from whatever they were saving her from.

Lelouch's frown deepened, but he didn't say anything. A moment later, he turned back to his map, and Suzaku turned to the ocean.

* * *

When the rain started to pour, the two of them were jerked into action. Lelouch folded the map hastily, stuffed it under his jacket, and then reached for the other pair of oars, while Suzaku struggled with his own.

Once Lelouch had settled himself, Suzaku shouted over the storm, "On my lead! Forward, back! Forward, back!"

They rowed together furiously, and once the pattern was established, Suzaku fell silent, giving the oars his full concentration.

The boat was tossed and turned by the waves, and they struggled to keep it upright. Lelouch was tiring fast, panting hard as he tried to keep up, and Suzaku almost felt sorry for him.

An hour later, they escaped the worst of the storm. Lelouch dropped the oars and settled on the floor with his arms wrapped around himself to ward off the cold. Suzaku let his oars drop as well, and lay himself down across his seat. He was too numb to feel cold anymore.

* * *

The next day, they both looked ten times worse than they had before.

They were taking a short break while Lelouch figured out directions. Suzaku munched hungrily on a couple of biscuits as he watched his former friend. He tried offering him one, but the boy just shook his head wordlessly. He hadn't eaten in days.

"If you keep this up, you're going to die," Suzaku informed him.

Lelouch's expression darkened. "And wouldn't that make you happy?" he snapped.

Suzaku didn't have an answer to that.

"You can't save Nunnally if you're dead," he said flatly.

Lelouch snarled at him, and continued to refuse to eat.

* * *

"Suzaku," Lelouch started the next day, his voice dry and wary.

Suzaku looked up, startled. "Yeah?"

"We're going to pass the Sirens today."

Suzaku paused. Sirens? Even though he'd known they were real, he still considered them to be mythological creatures. It hadn't occurred to him that he might cross them some day.

He'd heard many stories about the Sirens when he was younger. They were hideous creatures - ugly and blood thirsty, but they had the most beautiful voices. Their songs made the people who heard them hallucinate and see whatever they loved the most. Or everything they ever dreamed of. The listeners were thus tempted to move closer, to reach the people they loved, and the Sirens would then capture them and eat them up.

"Oh," Suzaku said, his throat suddenly dry. "Could we take a detour?"

Lelouch shook his head. "It would take too long. And besides, I..." he hesitated, which was never a good sign. "I want to hear them."

What?

 _"What?"_ Suzaku was incredulous. Even Lelouch, with the control he had over his mind, wouldn't be able to resist the Sirens. Listening to them was suicide.

Perhaps that was the point. Lelouch already hadn't been eating, and the storms would probably kill them both eventually. And now..."You really are trying to die, aren't you?" He breathed out, almost disbelieving.

Lelouch started to protest, but Suzaku cut him off. "Is this a game of sorts?" He asked slowly. "You tell me that Nunnally is in danger and drag me out in a storm to the middle of the ocean, so that I can watch your extended form of suicide, when I could be fighting to save lives back in Japan?" His voice grew louder with every word, his suppressed hatred of the boy in front of him rushing out all at once. "Did you think it would make me feel guilty, maybe? That I'd feel responsible for your death and would mourn you forever?" He paused, breathing hard. Lelouch simply stared at him, wide eyed.

"Well, I _won't_ , not after what you did to Euphy! So if all of this is just so that I can watch you kill yourself, I suggest you drown already and let me go back!"

He was almost standing now as he shouted, hands raised slightly, itching to reach out towards Lelouch and strangle him. All thoughts of Nunnally and the mission at hand were forgotten. All that he could see now was the blood, spraying in every direction, and the massacre, and Euphy, her face as bloodstained as the people she unwillingly murdered, crying. _Dying._

Lelouch had turned to face the floor, with his bangs covering his eyes, so Suzaku could no longer see his expression. Neither of them spoke for a long while. The waves crashed against the side of the boat relentlessly, tipping Suzaku off balance, so he sat back down, stilling glaring harshly at his former best friend.

"I assure you, _Kururugi_ ," Lelouch spoke at last, his voice strained, almost inaudible. His hands were trembling ever so slightly, from the cold or the rage, Suzaku wasn't too sure. "I have better things to do than to try to make you _pity_ me. I need to hear the Sirens because there's something I need to know. I have no intention of dying yet, but when I do, I'll be sure to let you kill me."

There was something about his voice that made Suzaku stop. He'd almost pushed Lelouch to his limit. And his promise at the end - he didn't think Lelouch was serious, but he'd made it clear that he understood the extent to which Suzaku hated him.

He also seemed to genuinely need to hear the Sirens. For what, Suzaku had no clue.

He turned away and crossed his arms, silently debating the situation in his mind. "Well, then?" He huffed at last. "What do you want me to do?"

Lelouch looked up, his face carefully blank. "I'll give you a pair of earplugs, so you will escape safely. All you need to do is tie me up, and make sure I don't escape. The Siren's song will tempt me, and I will do all I can to get away, but on no account should you let me go." He smirked wryly. "I think you have enough experience with that."

Suzaku ignored that statement and didn't reply until a few minutes later.

"Alright. I'll do it."

Lelouch smiled at him, but it didn't reach his eyes. "I don't know why I trust you when you're always trying to kill me," he said softly, more to himself than to Suzaku.

Suzaku frowned. It was true, if he wanted to, he could let Lelouch be eaten by the Sirens. Actually, he didn't even have to wait till then. He could just throw Lelouch overboard and the smaller boy wouldn't even have the strength to struggle. On more than one occassion, he'd made it clear that he was willing to do so. But still, Lelouch stuck with him.

Apparently, he wasn't the only one who was insane.

* * *

Lelouch studied his map for a long time afterwards. At last, he folded it, stuffed it in his pocket, and turned towards Suzaku. "We should be there in ten minutes," he said. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of earplugs, then dug out a coil of rope from under his seat. He handed the items to Suzaku, his face still blank.

Suzaku sighed, setting his oars aside. "Let's get this over with."

Tying Lelouch up was as easy as he had anticipated. He tied his wrists together first, and then made him sit at the back of the boat and tied him to the mast. They tested the ropes, and once the knots proved satisfactory, Suzaku made to put his earplugs in.

"Remember, no matter what happens, don't take them out," Lelouch warned. Suzaku nodded before sticking them in, effectively blocking out any sounds that could reach him. Lelouch watched him for a moment, then slumped against the mast and turned towards the ocean.

Suzaku settled back down and continued to row, watching Lelouch carefully. A few minutes later, the other boy began to tense up, narrowing his eyebrows, and Suzaku presumed that they were near the Sirens.

Suzaku was curious despite himself. He couldn't help but wonder what Lelouch would see when he heard the Sirens' music. He'd probably just see Nunnally. Or maybe he'd lost all semblance of humanity already and would only see bloody battles or something.

As he watched, Lelouch grew more and more tense, and his eyes widened to an almost impossible size. He started tugging on his ropes, trying to free himself, and move towards the rock in the distance, where Suzaku knew the Sirens were.

He turned towards Suzaku and said something desperately, which Suzaku assumed was something along the lines of _untie me_ , so he shook his head at him. Lelouch's eyes narrowed dangerously and he struggled with renewed vigor, shouting something that Suzaku couldn't hear.

Suzaku couldn't look away.

Lelouch screamed and kicked and pulled at the ropes, and he couldn't help but feel morbidly fascinated. What could possibly make Lelouch, Zero, a _murderer_ , become so desperate?

And then, to his horror, Lelouch started to cry.

He wasn't sobbing, his shoulders shook as tears streamed down his face, and he held his hands up and all but begged Suzaku to untie him, having realized that he couldn't undo the ropes on his own.

Was that why he didn't eat for so long? So that he'd have no chance of escaping even if Suzaku didn't keep his word?

It seemed that Lelouch had been preparing for this before they started their journey. He'd even brought the earplugs. But why was he so desperate to hear the Sirens' song? What was it that he wanted to see?

He wondered what he must have looked like to Lelouch right now. Would he still be Suzaku? Or would his hallucinations show him someone different?

Without thinking about what he was doing, Suzaku set the oars aside and moved towards the mast. When he saw the sudden hopeful look on his former friend's face, his insides twisted. Lelouch thought he was going to untie him, but he certainly wasn't. He wasn't quite sure _what_ he wanted to do.

He moved closer and kneeled down next to him. Lelouch pulled against the ropes pointedly, with the same hopeful look on his face. When Suzaku shook his head, his eyes narrowed again, and he continued to struggle and shout. Suzaku reached out to hold him down, but the moment his hand made contact with Lelouch's skin, the scene around him changed.

With a jolt, he realized that he was seeing what Lelouch was seeing.

He knew the place all too well - Ashford Academy. Possibly the only place he'd ever felt _alright_ in his entire life. He was seeing the furthest corner of the campus, hidden by trees, where he and Lelouch would hide from Milly's wrath and be content with each other's company.

There were only three people in the vision, and their faces made Suzaku freeze with horror.

There was Nunnally, of course. He'd expected that. She was older, no longer blind and not in her wheelchair, and was smiling widely as she gestured for them to come closer. He'd never seen her eyes before, and it amazed him how clear they were. Beautiful, like her brother's, but gentle and caring.

And behind Nunnally, closer to the trees, were older versions of Euphemia, and Suzaku himself.

 _Euphy._

He'd never forgotten how beautiful she was. The charm only she could have. He wanted to turn away - he _knew_ he should turn away, but somehow he couldn't move. And when he looked closer, the blood drained from his face.

There – identical rings on their interlaced hands. All their loving gestures. In this crazy vision of Lelouch's, he and Euphy were _married._

(He wasn't sure when he had started crying as well.)

He turned away from the scene abruptly, vision blurred and hands shaking, before scrambling away from Lelouch. He grabbed the oars and rowed away as fast as he could, far away from the Sirens and their stupid mind games.

It took a long time for Lelouch to regain his senses. Once he stopped struggling and his eyes focused, Suzaku deemed it safe to take out his earplugs.

He moved to untie Lelouch, his heart still beating fast. When he reached for the ropes, the other boy flinched violently, shaking like he'd seen a ghost.

"It's okay," Suzaku tried, pulling his hand back. "We're far from the Sirens now."

Lelouch didn't seem to hear him. His eyes were wide with horror, and it took him a long time to find his voice.

"What did you see?" He managed to say at last.

Suzaku briefly considered lying. He could say that he didn't see anything, and Lelouch would get back to normal. They could continue hating each other, then save Nunnally, and then continue with their problematic lives.

But instead, he reached out again, slowly this time, and untied the knots, while saying, "I saw everything that you saw."

He didn't expect the utterly horrified look on Lelouch's face. He undid the knots quickly and moved away, but Lelouch stayed where he was, fisting his hair and staring at the ground.

"Everything," he spat weakly. "You saw everything." He laughed but there was no humour in it. "Well then, what are you going to say?"

He was expecting to be laughed at, Suzaku realized. After everything he'd said and done to him, it was to be expected.

"Lelouch, I..." He didn't know what to say. He'd loved Euphemia. So had Lelouch, but Lelouch had _killed_ her.

He sat back down, staring at his shaking hands. That could have been their life, if only things hadn't gone so wrong. If _Lelouch_ hadn't messed it all up.

"Why would you kill her if you loved her?" His voice was cracked, and broken, but he didn't care. "Why, Lelouch?"

Lelouch closed his eyes, and a single tear slid down his face. It was enough for Suzaku to resume his own crying fit, and he sobbed until he ran out of tears, the massacre fresh in his mind, and ended up laughing hysterically.

Lelouch stayed curled up near the mast, shaking and muttering to himself for the rest of the night, and all Suzaku could think of was the rings on his and Euphy's hands.

* * *

Lelouch was never the same around him again. Whether it was because he couldn't bear the fact that he knew his deepest secrets, or because he didn't trust him anymore, Suzaku had no clue. That haunted look that he'd had once he realized what Suzaku had seen never fully faded, and he barely spoke to him.

It didn't bother Suzaku, because he felt like he knew nothing about the boy anymore.

At last, they reached a remote island where Lelouch believed the Emperor's experiment was. It took a while for them to push the boat onto the shore, and once they did, Suzaku almost collapsed in relief. He hadn't touched solid ground since a week ago.

Lelouch straightened up and made to move towards a cave, but Suzaku stopped him.

"Lelouch, I need to know what we're up against before we go in there."

Lelouch looked away uncomfortably. "I'm not sure myself."

Suzaku gaped at him. "The _hell?_ "

Lelouch sighed, turning fully to face him. "All I know is that my father has hidden something on this island, something with which he intends to change the course of humanity. But it won't work without C.C.'s help. Which is why he planned to lure her here by using me as bait. In order to lure me here, he needed to use Nunnally."

Suzaku paled. "Nunnally is being held captive?"

Lelouch shook his head. "No. Once we realized his plan, I came to you for help. C.C. took the place of Zero, so no one knows I'm missing."

"So we can destroy his...experiment before he kidnaps Nunnally and lures the witch out."

"Precisely. We had to travel by boat because using a jet or Nightmare would have been too suspicious, and would have been discovered by my father. The whole point of this mission is to catch him off guard."

Suzaku nodded, mind spinning. It seemed unlikely that they could launch a surprise attack on the Emperor himself, but he was willing to try for Nunnally's sake. He could only hope that the Knight of One wouldn't be here. He didn't stand a chance against him even when he was fully rested, and now he was a total mess.

Actually, forget the Knight of One. He doubted he could defeat a pumpkin.

"It's entirely possible that we'll both end up dying," Suzaku said, his voice suddenly dry.

Lelouch half smiled and shook his head again, before heading back towards the cave. "No, I don't think there's anyone here right now. And even if someone does come, you won't die, not with your Geass order. I might. Either way, Nunnally will be safe, because they can't use her as bait if there's no one to lure."

* * *

"I'm going to blow up the island," Lelouch told him a couple of hours later. He stood a few feet away from him at all times, as if he couldn't bear to be near him anymore. "It's the only way to destroy the model without having to get C.C. involved."

Suzaku didn't particularly care whether C.C. was involved or not, or alive or not, for that matter. But he didn't say that out loud. "Blow it up with what?" He asked dully.

"I have materials in the boat."

"And you're sure that will destroy the model?"

"No, but I'm sure that destroying the island will ensure that no one can access the model," Lelouch said simply, before turning and running back to where they'd tied the boat up.

Suzaku followed him, mind wandering. There were so many things wrong with his situation right now. He was stranded on an island that they were trying to blow up, along with Euphy's murderer, who secretly wished to see her alive and married to Suzaku.

Then why would he have killed her to begin with? It couldn't have been out of cold blood. Before yesterday, he'd never even considered the possibility of Lelouch regretting his actions, but now, after what he'd seen...

He watched as Lelouch dragged a few waterproof bags out of the boat and settled on the sand next to them. At a lack of anything else to do, Suzaku sat down across from him.

Lelouch didn't even look up at him. He pulled out random wires and vials and various other items out of the bag at random, and started assembling all of them in what looked to Suzaku like an intricately jumbled mess.

Lelouch was obviously tired. His eyes were almost half closed, and his hands fumbled clumsily with his tools. Suzaku was slightly scared that he was going to blow them up instead of the island.

His eyes were bloodshot and wary, but still had that spark of determination. His eye color was all that he had inherited from his father, Suzaku mused, (except for the _royal_ personality traits like his arrogance and pride-issues); for the most part, he resembled his mother. Which was probably a major disadvantage. Had Lelouch been half as burly as his father, Suzaku might have never captured him.

He remembered that day too vividly. It was on a split second decision that he decided not to kill Lelouch, and had overpowered him instead. He'd been so angry that day - so angry that he'd been willing to tear Lelouch apart, watch him fall to pieces and beg for mercy and feel the same pain that Euphy had and -

"Please refrain from giving me death glares, I already promised you that you could kill me later on."

Suzaku anger subsided almost as quickly as it had come. "Lelouch, I've been meaning to ask you," he started, uncertain. "What really happened to Euphy?"

Lelouch only paused for a millisecond before continuing with his work. "How many times do I have to tell you?"

"I'll keep asking until you tell me the truth."

Lelouch barely looked up at him. "Oh, so I'm lying now?"

Suzaku sighed. "Lelouch...I saw the Sirens too. You still want her to be alive. You...you wanted her to _marry_ me."

Lelouch slowed in his ministrations, his eyes regaining that usual haunted look. "Don't talk to me about the Sirens."

Suzaku scoffed. "Can't stand the truth?"

Lelouch's expression hardened. "Suzaku."

Suzaku stood up so he was towering over his former best friend. "Face it, Lelouch. You've been lying to everyone so much that even you don't know what the truth is anymore."

There was a long silence. Suzaku's heart pounded almost painfully. He just wanted the other boy to understand what he was doing to himself. What type of person killed their sister even though they loved her?

Lelouch didn't look up at him. At last, he reached for his tools again and continued working, ignoring the fact that a conversation had occurred at all.

Suzaku was aghast. "Seriously? You're going to ignore me?"

There was no reply, and Suzaku could feel the anger rising again. Things _always_ ended like this. Lelouch would only ever let himself think of the plan at hand, wrapping up any emotions he may have and pushing them to a corner of his mind. He almost never dealt with them, and it was going to drive him insane eventually.

If anything, it was driving Suzaku insane right now.

Without thinking, he picked up a screw driver from the floor, eyes still burning with constrained fury, and flung it hard at Lelouch's head.

The pointed end hit his scalp hard, cutting skin. Lelouch dropped his tools and fell backwards onto his elbows, half due to the impact and half due to plain shock.

And then, to both of their horror, blood started dripping down his forehead. Slowly, almost casually. A thin stream, flowing from the same point as on the day Suzaku shot his mask off. The wound had reopened, Suzaku realized. In more ways than one.

Whatever invisible force had been holding Lelouch back till then dissipated that instant. He growled under his breath before he threw himself at Suzaku, forcing him to the ground.

His eyes were wild, almost animalistic, and Suzaku realized that he'd finally pushed Lelouch too far. The Sirens had affected him more than he could have imagined.

He tried to throw Lelouch off of him, and Lelouch tried harder to keep him down. They punched, kicked, and struggled for a while, but Suzaku pushed him over and forced him to the ground in the end, holding him down with his forearm under Lelouch's chin.

"Tell me what happened to Euphy." He tried again, voice strained. In reality, all he wanted to do was apologize and then run far away before Lelouch attacked him again, but this was the only way he could get an answer out of his former friend. Lelouch gave him a scathing look and aimed another kick at him, but Suzaku dodged it easily.

"You bastard!" Lelouch hissed, still seething. "You horrible, good for nothing, poor excuse for a human being -"

Suzaku pushed his elbow down harder under his chin, and Lelouch choked on his words. "Tell me," Suzaku bit out, hard and steely, "And I'll let you up."

Lelouch closed his eyes and didn't speak for a long while, but Suzaku wasn't going to let him go. He wanted the truth this time, and he would get it.

The minutes ticked by, with neither of them willing to give in. At last, when Suzaku's muscles were starting to cramp, he felt Lelouch give up and go limp under him.

"It was an accident," he whispered, avoiding Suzaku's gaze. "She told me that she had come up with the idea of the Specially Administered Region for Nunnally, and...I couldn't refuse her. So I agreed to help. I promised to work with her. And then..." He paused, smiling painfully. "And then I made a joke about my Geass. I was telling her that I could make her do anything I wanted her to do, for example, I could make her kill all the Japanese. And that was the day my Geass became permanent. I lost control, it activated, and Euphy..." He laughed dryly. "I assume you know the rest."

* * *

Two days later, the island had been blown up, and they began the long journey back. They considered calling someone to pick them up, but decided that it wouldn't look good if anyone saw the Knight of Seven and Zero together. The only person who would understand was C.C., and they didn't want her anywhere near the area.

So there they were, with Suzaku rowing and Lelouch studying his map, both of them avoiding each other's gaze and expecting the other to attack them at any moment.

"Do you hate me?" Suzaku asked once, out of the blue. He winced once the words left his mouth. It was a lame question.

Lelouch looked up from his map, frowning. "I don't know," he said softly. "What about you?"

 _Do you hate me?_

"I don't know," Suzaku confessed. "But I did before."

Lelouch's frown deepened. "Don't judge me by what the Sirens showed you."

"But that's the only truth I know of you."

"And I wish it wasn't true. So forget it."

"No." Suzaku met Lelouch's glare with his own stubborn one.

Lelouch gave him a hateful look before turning back to his map. "Perhaps you should try listening to the Sirens this time," he said dispassionately. "Then you'll probably shut up."

Suzaku laughed hoarsely. "I doubt it. I already know what I'll see, so I won't be as horrifically shocked as you were. Not all of us lie to ourselves so much, you know."

Lelouch's expression hardened, and for a moment Suzaku thought he would attack him again. He almost wished he would. He understood physical fights a lot better than psychological ones. But instead, Lelouch smirked, eyes glinting almost sadistically. "Oh," he drawled, " _I'm_ the only one who lies to himself now?"

He wasn't going to like where this was heading.

Lelouch folded his map and pocketed it. "You wouldn't be as horrifically shocked because you don't lie to yourself? That's a lie in itself, isn't it?" Lelouch waved a hand at him vaguely. "Lord Kururugi, who murdered his father, but for _the greater good._ Who's killed thousands and thousands of people, but harbors no guilt for it, because he killed for _peace_ whereas Zero killed for chaos." He scoffed. "Excuse me, but I still don't see the logic in that."

Suzaku's throat was dry, "Lelouch -"

"But, of course, he'll make it look like he _is_ harboring the guilt, and is always blaming himself, when in reality he's hiding from the truth as much as anyone else. Oh, and then he _sells_ his friends, gets them tortured, tries to kill them on multiple occasions, but _still_ dares to call them his friends?"

Suzaku was frozen. He couldn't bring himself to look up at Lelouch. He felt strangely numb, and each one of Lelouch's words echoed in his head, long, long after they'd been spoken.

Sells his friends. Murdered his father.

But Lelouch wasn't finished yet.

"You could have killed me that day instead, you know," he spat, eyes almost burning with fury. "Once you found out I was Zero, you could have killed me. Instead - " He broke off abruptly and sat back down, dropping his hand into his face, taking in deep, shaky breaths. "You enjoyed it, didn't you? It must have made your day."

His expression...hurt. It was so empty, so lifeless. Suzaku's insides twisted painfully.

 _I did this,_ he realized. _I've ruined him in every way I could have._

And yet he was still one of the people Lelouch loved the most.

He didn't know when he'd dropped the oars, or when Lelouch had started crying.

He didn't know when he'd moved towards the other boy, hoping to do something, _anything_ , really, to set things right again.

He was, however, painfully aware when Lelouch pushed him away roughly. "Stop it!" He managed to say, tears marring his vision. "I don't need your pity!"

Suzaku recoiled immediately. "I wasn't... I just...I -"

" _You_ ," Lelouch said, "Should learn to make up your mind. You wanted to kill me, and I promised you you could. So don't fake _remorse_. It's not going to get us anywhere."

His words felt like a slap in the face, and Suzaku turned away.

He couldn't fix this, not this time.

* * *

 **.**

 **Please review?**

 **Also, this was inspired by Percy Jackson.**


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